Mick Hartley

I have two questions concerning plumbers merchants. The first is, why are their names nearly always initials? THL Plumbers, or TD Plumbing (mostly beginning with T round here, it seems). Never Brown's Plumbing, or Frank J Taylor & Sons, Plumbers.

The second question is, why does it take three visits to get what you want? The first place you try will be waiting for a delivery. Could be tomorrow, or maybe later in the week. You could try TSK Plumbing (no, not DSK, TSK…T for Terry) on Hornsey High Street. Yes, turn left, then second right, can't miss it. (A third question might be, why are their directions to other plumbers merchants always so useless?)

The second plumbers will have it, but they don't sell it separately from the whole unit, and you really don't want the whole unit since everything else is fine it's just this one little bit that's broken. By now you're remembering that this is just what happened last time you needed to visit a plumbers merchant – which was a few years back because frankly you don't make a habit of this kind of thing if you don't have to.

The third one, TFD Plumbing Supplies (it's left from the junction with Ferme Park Road, not right), have it in stock, no problem, but whereas the first two places were all smiles and couldn't be more helpful, this one's a surly bastard with tattoos and you have to ask for a receipt. Not that all men with tattoos are surly – of course they're not – but I wouldn't be surprised if there's some kind of correlation.

Fingers crossed it's a few more years before I have to do this again. And no, I haven't fitted the new parts in yet. Too tired.