A strange headline:

Man who had sex with bike in court

No, he didn’t in fact have sex with a bike in court: he had sex with a bike in the privacy of his room before being rudely interrupted, and subsequently had to appear in court, charged under the Sexual Offences against Bicycles Act or some such:

A man has been placed on the sex offenders’ register after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle.

Robert Stewart was discovered in his room by two cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south west Scotland, in October last year.

On Wednesday Mr Stewart admitted to sexual breach of the peace in Ayr Sheriff Court, where depute fiscal Gail Davidson described how he had been found by the hostel workers.

She said: “They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

“They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down.

“The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex.”

Both witnesses, who were extremely shocked, notified the hotel manager, who in turn alerted the police.

Mr Stewart was placed on the sex offenders’ register but his sentence was deferred until next month.

He is not the first man to be convicted of a sexual offence involving an inanimate object, however.

Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs, in 1993.

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13 responses to “Extremely Shocked”

  1. Noga Avatar

    Is this what is generally referred to as a “victimless crime”? It’s too bizarre.

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  2. P. Froward Avatar
    P. Froward

    At least the bicycle wasn’t of the same sex, I hope?

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  3. PooterGeek Avatar

    Did they do pavement sex man for kerb crawling?
    There was a priceless story in the Graun a few years back about some guy who was sexually aroused by cars, Minis in particular. When he was in the mood and could find a stationary one with its engine running then he would stand behind it, masturbating. Not something I’d want to see in my rearview mirror, but not something I’d feel the need to call the police about. I might ring Private Eye.

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  4. DaninVan Avatar
    DaninVan

    I guess Mr. Stewart’s conviction would make him an ‘official spokesman’…

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  5. DaninVan Avatar
    DaninVan

    …and Mr. Walkins was merely following his therapist’s advice to ‘curb his desires’. (pootergeek caused that one! 😉 )

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  6. DaninVan Avatar
    DaninVan

    On a more serious note, if Mr. Stewart was safely locked in his room doing something that was totally in private, and there was no other party involved, how is it that the court was able to find him guilty of a crime? Seems like a huge invasion of privacy and unconscionable abuse of police authority to me.
    Considering what’s available onstage at stripclubs (pubs here in Canada), his love affair with his Rawleigh seems pretty tame.
    Now, if he’d woken up other tenants with his anguished howls from getting his naughty bits caught in the chain…

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  7. anthony Avatar

    What would they have done if he had been lying on the bed with a box of tissues?
    Surely he should sue the hostel for breaching his right to privacy?

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  8. DaninVan Avatar
    DaninVan

    Anthony has brought up a good point; what if he’d been in bed with a woman…or another male? The courts would be bending over backwards to make the chambermaids complaint go away!

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  9. IanCroydon Avatar
    IanCroydon

    “No, he didn’t in fact have sex with a bike in court”
    I thought he had sex, then took his bike into the courtroom.

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  10. IanCroydon Avatar
    IanCroydon

    Or, he had sex (with a promiscuous woman), then took his “bike” into court.

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  11. DaninVan Avatar
    DaninVan

    IanC.;
    Or, he had sex (with a promiscuous woman) on the bike, and the chambermaids were just plain envious!

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  12. Mick H Avatar
    Mick H

    It’s difficult to get the story straight as it’s such a preposterous business, but I think the problem is that he allegedly carried on doing whatever he was doing with the bike after the two cleaners came in, so it was seen as something like exhibitionism.
    Personally I think he was framed.

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  13. DaninVan Avatar
    DaninVan

    Probably tyred as well…

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